Don't You Know Who I Think I Am?

We need to love ourselves. It's been said once, it's been said a thousand times. I think we all know it's true, but I don't think we all believe it.  

Since moving to Toronto I've done a lot of soul searching and learned a lot about myself. Somethings came as a surprise to me, some not so much. I was pleased to discover that I still like a lot of the same movies and music. However I also discovered that I don't like others that I've always said I did. I've also learned that for an outgoing person I'm pretty reserved and shy. I've learned I like to wear big heavy boots and skirts. I know...seriously stuff here guys. 

The point is not that any of these things are terribly important by themselves. They are not the keys to some super realm where I live in complete peace and harmony with the world. They are simply the parts of me that maybe I held back out of shame, or fear. Fear of being judged as not good enough. Shame that what I am is not as cool as it 'should' be. And this is where loving myself comes in. 

As I've been learning to love Felicia, I tell her that she is enough, just as she is. She doesn't need to do anything more. The way we give grace to children to express themselves with freedom, I've learned to give myself grace. 

Last blog, I talked about meeting myself again for the first time. Discovering more about myself and embracing those things. That is where self-love and self-acceptance comes in. It came in recently when I discovered that I love to paint. I got some paint brushes and paints and went at it. One voice in my head said 'You are not good enough. You've never been taught how to paint. What makes you think anything you put on canvas will be worth something.' My heart countered that awful ego voice by saying 'It doesn't matter what you put on canvas. I love you and everything you do. How can it be wrong when you are not wrong?'  And with that I painted the first painting that I have ever given love and you know what, it wasn't bad. It may not hang in a fancy art gallery ever, but it hangs on my wall and it hangs in my heart as a reminder that I am enough. 

My life changed about a year ago one day in church. I don't remember everything about that day or the sermon. I just remember going up for prayer and a lady prayed for me and then she said something I will never forget. She told me to forgive myself. MYSELF! I couldn't believe it. But I started to cry. I've worked so hard in my life to do the 'right' thing and perfect my personality/style/ambitions and for the first time that night I had compassion on myself and the courage to let all of that go and forgive myself. I showed myself a small bit of love and forgiveness just as you offer a child who has made a mistake.

So it's a job, loving yourself. Everyday I remind myself and my friends to have compassion on ourselves. To offer yourself that little bit of love the same as you would anyone else. And in doing so you give people permission to do the same, to accept themselves as they are and to accept the people around them. 

So don't you know who I think I am? I thought I was someone I'm not. I've learned a lot about myself but most of all I KNOW I am someone deserving of all the love my heart can give...and when I can't take it anymore I'll give some away. 

Leaving home...

“Sometimes you have to leave home to learn [about yourself]” - my mom

I spent the majority of my day at “the office” aka the library. I love the library. At a mere seven minute walk from my door, with a Tim Horton’s conveniently located half way there I find it’s the best place to get a little work done. When I get to distracted sitting in my apartment I’ll pack my bag up and head there. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person I know who takes her own books to the library to read, in addition to taking out several new ones. I bring a big bag. 

Today I read from several books. I’m loving Candace Cameron Bure’s book (yes, DJ from Full House) called Reshaping It All. It’s an excellent book for women who need encouragement to pursue their health and their relationship with God. I then moved on to Organize Now by Jennifer Ford Berry. It is a great book with week-by-week steps to getting all aspect of your life organized and if you know me, you know that is something I struggle with. Finished off with a little The Everything Enneagram Book by Susan Reynolds.

Now, reading books or going to the library are not things that are out of the ordinary for me.  What is interesting to note is what I did in addition to just reading the books. I took notes. Honest to goodness, I’m-studying-like-I’m-in-school notes. I posed questions to myself and answered them as introspectively as I could. I pushed myself to see past my barriers and into the depths that I don’t normally plumb. 

And this isn’t the first time I’ve done this.  Since I moved to Toronto I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching. I have been plagued with doubt, insecurities, harsh realities, and more doubt. I quickly came to the realization that who I thought I was and who I really am where two different people.  Not completely different, but definitely not one and the same. 

Well, with the ardent fervor of a 13-year-old studying Justin Beiber, I began to study myself. It was like I was meeting Me for the first time. I began to compare and contrast the me I was familiar with and this new Me. This new Me felt like an old friend and I still wonder why it took so long to recognize Her in me. Honestly, though, I don’t think I would have know She was here all along had I not have had to endure the trials of moving and dealing with so many things on my own. I’ve not had to deal with everything completely alone but there is a huge difference between having ‘mummy and daddy’ a fifteen minute bus ride away and a two hour flight away. 

What an uncovering is taking place within myself now. Stripping away lies that I’ve told myself or had people tell me. Deconstructing my identity and what I thought was my identity. Understanding how I deal with people and relationships. Seeing my relationship with God in a whole new light. Taking note of my vices and understand what they stood in the void for and dealing with them. Finding my flaws and appreciating the beauty in them. 

I still haven’t revealed all that I am yet. I know that my journey won’t be done for a great long time. I do know, however, that I am constantly being refined by fire. I know that the process is taking place under the watchful eye of my Father in heaven. I know that the closer I come to my best self, the closer I get to experiencing a bit of heaven on earth. 

I had to leave home to learn this...

I’m one step closer to my eternal home.

What's next?

I think it might be possible that I have no idea what I'm doing.

Scratch that and start over...

I have no idea what I'm doing. 

One minute I've got my life planned out in front of me, but it doesn't take more than a few seconds for it to change. I moved to Toronto with specific goals in mind. Notions of how I thought it would be, and a very different picture of where I would be five months in. I don't regret anything I've done since I've been here but I also see a different sort of life opening up to me. 

Luckily for me I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Things that if I would have known several years ago who knows where I would be today. Again, I have no regrets, I'm just finding that my life is revealing itself to me for what it really was in the first place. 

So this gets me thinking, what does this mean for my future? Well, I haven't gotten that far yet. Partly because who can really know the future until we get there. So I've got to stay in the present as much as I can. Second, I'm finding the cliched 'desires of my heart' coming to the surface and they aren't anything new.  It's just that I'm seeing them in a new light. 

My mind and experiences have been broadened in so many ways. I've been so blessed and privileged to have had the experiences and opportunities that I've had. In the light of the years, my desires and future choices make much more sense. I've got some pretty great ideas on how to "have it all". That sounds negative but in my defence having it all means to me being able to support the family I want, with or without a husband, and be free from financial burden so I can share my blessings and time with those who need it. As a white woman, with access to education and sufficient finances there is no reason that shouldn't be easily achieved with a little hard work. 

So I'm going back to school. I think I kind of know what I'm doing now, at least for the next five or so years. So going back to school at the ripe old age of twenty five, which means I'll graduate by 30ish (of course I'll never admit to a day over 29). It will be just in time for me to really get a grown up handle on things and work the system. 

Or who knows...

the future

well at least right now I know my future holds a good book, a cup of tea and bed.