I think it might be possible that I have no idea what I'm doing.
Scratch that and start over...
I have no idea what I'm doing.
One minute I've got my life planned out in front of me, but it doesn't take more than a few seconds for it to change. I moved to Toronto with specific goals in mind. Notions of how I thought it would be, and a very different picture of where I would be five months in. I don't regret anything I've done since I've been here but I also see a different sort of life opening up to me.
Luckily for me I've been learning a lot about myself lately. Things that if I would have known several years ago who knows where I would be today. Again, I have no regrets, I'm just finding that my life is revealing itself to me for what it really was in the first place.
So this gets me thinking, what does this mean for my future? Well, I haven't gotten that far yet. Partly because who can really know the future until we get there. So I've got to stay in the present as much as I can. Second, I'm finding the cliched 'desires of my heart' coming to the surface and they aren't anything new. It's just that I'm seeing them in a new light.
My mind and experiences have been broadened in so many ways. I've been so blessed and privileged to have had the experiences and opportunities that I've had. In the light of the years, my desires and future choices make much more sense. I've got some pretty great ideas on how to "have it all". That sounds negative but in my defence having it all means to me being able to support the family I want, with or without a husband, and be free from financial burden so I can share my blessings and time with those who need it. As a white woman, with access to education and sufficient finances there is no reason that shouldn't be easily achieved with a little hard work.
So I'm going back to school. I think I kind of know what I'm doing now, at least for the next five or so years. So going back to school at the ripe old age of twenty five, which means I'll graduate by 30ish (of course I'll never admit to a day over 29). It will be just in time for me to really get a grown up handle on things and work the system.
Or who knows...
the future
well at least right now I know my future holds a good book, a cup of tea and bed.
Great post Felicia! Only, I'm going to have to argue with you on one point, "I have no idea what I'm doing". You seem to more know what you are doing then the rest of us. Good luck with your schooling, I've never heard anyone regret going that route. May we ask what you are planning to study?
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