Leaving home...

“Sometimes you have to leave home to learn [about yourself]” - my mom

I spent the majority of my day at “the office” aka the library. I love the library. At a mere seven minute walk from my door, with a Tim Horton’s conveniently located half way there I find it’s the best place to get a little work done. When I get to distracted sitting in my apartment I’ll pack my bag up and head there. I’m pretty sure I’m the only person I know who takes her own books to the library to read, in addition to taking out several new ones. I bring a big bag. 

Today I read from several books. I’m loving Candace Cameron Bure’s book (yes, DJ from Full House) called Reshaping It All. It’s an excellent book for women who need encouragement to pursue their health and their relationship with God. I then moved on to Organize Now by Jennifer Ford Berry. It is a great book with week-by-week steps to getting all aspect of your life organized and if you know me, you know that is something I struggle with. Finished off with a little The Everything Enneagram Book by Susan Reynolds.

Now, reading books or going to the library are not things that are out of the ordinary for me.  What is interesting to note is what I did in addition to just reading the books. I took notes. Honest to goodness, I’m-studying-like-I’m-in-school notes. I posed questions to myself and answered them as introspectively as I could. I pushed myself to see past my barriers and into the depths that I don’t normally plumb. 

And this isn’t the first time I’ve done this.  Since I moved to Toronto I’ve had to do a lot of soul searching. I have been plagued with doubt, insecurities, harsh realities, and more doubt. I quickly came to the realization that who I thought I was and who I really am where two different people.  Not completely different, but definitely not one and the same. 

Well, with the ardent fervor of a 13-year-old studying Justin Beiber, I began to study myself. It was like I was meeting Me for the first time. I began to compare and contrast the me I was familiar with and this new Me. This new Me felt like an old friend and I still wonder why it took so long to recognize Her in me. Honestly, though, I don’t think I would have know She was here all along had I not have had to endure the trials of moving and dealing with so many things on my own. I’ve not had to deal with everything completely alone but there is a huge difference between having ‘mummy and daddy’ a fifteen minute bus ride away and a two hour flight away. 

What an uncovering is taking place within myself now. Stripping away lies that I’ve told myself or had people tell me. Deconstructing my identity and what I thought was my identity. Understanding how I deal with people and relationships. Seeing my relationship with God in a whole new light. Taking note of my vices and understand what they stood in the void for and dealing with them. Finding my flaws and appreciating the beauty in them. 

I still haven’t revealed all that I am yet. I know that my journey won’t be done for a great long time. I do know, however, that I am constantly being refined by fire. I know that the process is taking place under the watchful eye of my Father in heaven. I know that the closer I come to my best self, the closer I get to experiencing a bit of heaven on earth. 

I had to leave home to learn this...

I’m one step closer to my eternal home.